


Heart On My Sleeve

by domo (aroceu)



Series: Generosity [19]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe - School, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Religion, Religious Guilt, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-31
Updated: 2010-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:18:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/domo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Siwon wants to believe in everything, but his heart is set in nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart On My Sleeve

**Author's Note:**

> For Allison.

As a child, Siwon has always understood the importance of God--having God, believing in God, loving God. It's not that he needs someone to make him feel safe or the idea of a higher being keeping him and the rest of the world company--but he knows that when he dies, he doesn't want to disappear forever and make his life worth nothing. He wants to be something, he wants to be made into something.

It's with God where Siwon knows that his life won't be gone forever, that he'll have some memory of his life on earth. He is, after all, just a human like anyone else--but if he believes in God, he'll have life forever, beyond death, and none of this will go to waste. Him, his life--all of this--will be kept in his heart, and will be with him when he goes up to heaven.

When he turns six, Siwon finally realizes the definition of being a Christian--of believing in Jesus, of the son of God, of forgiving sins. It's because he's a Christian why he can go to heaven (while others can't), because they aren't asking for their sins to be forgiven. God had sent his son, the only son that he had ever had, down to earth so his sins can be forgiven, so that there's room for him and every other Christian in the world to go to heaven. (Sometimes Siwon wonders how Jesus must feel as the only son, and how it would be like if he had siblings and complained, no, why can't you send down another son, Daddy?)

(Siwon asks this to his mother, and his mother tells him not to think too much of it.)

But he keeps his faith and he keeps his beliefs, not just because his parents and everyone else tells him so, but because he wants to believe in God. Because he wants to believe that there's someone out there who would forgive him when no one else would. Perhaps there's someone out there who would forgive him for stealing two dollars from his father's drawer to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck. Perhaps there's someone out there who would forgive him for making Lee Yoochun cry by telling her that her dress was ugly. Perhaps there's someone out there who would forgive him for disobeying his mother that one night when he had stayed up past midnight.

Perhaps, he thinks, there is someone out there who would forgive him for eyeing boys a bit too carefully, even though it says not to in the Bible. Perhaps there is someone out there who would forgive him for all the terrible things he's said and done.

Siwon goes to college at the age of eighteen, as do all the other boys in his school--but he doesn't feel like one of them, because he's  _Siwon_ , he's perfect. Or so he's called, by everyone--by his friends, by his classmates, by his teachers, by his parents, by everyone around him. Siwon smiles and takes in all these words, but in his heart he knows how much he wishes for them to be true. He knows he's not perfect, he's far from perfect--but if this is how others see him, then he's okay with it.

Siwon has always learned to never get too close to others. It's not something he does out of habit; he does it on purpose. Other Christians, other God-and-Jesus believers, other future Heaven occupiers--he's okay with them, he's okay with being friends with them and caring for them and loving them. Because he knows they'll go to heaven, he knows that they'll be with him, forever and ever.

It's only those whom he knows that aren't Christian, those who believe in God or no God at all. Siwon does his best to stay away from them, because he doesn't want to get close. He doesn't want to get attached. He doesn't want to live with the guilt of knowing that they'll go to hell and there's nothing he can do about it. He knows he could always save them, he knows that he can try. But he's never been good at that sort of thing, never good at evangelizing or spreading God's word--because honestly? Siwon doesn't know. He's taking all of this on the mere thread of faith.

He remembers when he had been fourteen years old, only a freshman in high school, and made friends with a nice boy (he can't really remember his name now; it's all a blur to him). Siwon had always liked the way boys were built, not as curvy or as mysterious as girls, but something as simple and plain. Siwon had always wondered what it would be like to be with a boy, and not with a girl--but in  _that_  way. He imagines that it wouldn't be foreign or strange at all, but thrilling and delightfully comfortable. 

(This sends shivers down his spine, and he remembers that he's a sinner and prays to God for forgiveness.)

He and the boy are running around his backyard one day and then they're climbing up branches to go into the treehouse far away from his home. Siwon feels revealed, unprotected--but there's nothing wrong with this, is there?  _Of course not_ , he tells himself as he clambers in after the boy.

"What if we jumped out of this tree right now?" he asks the boy, as he peers down the window of the house to the ground. It's even further than he had thought, and he's faintly aware of his heart pounding in his chest. He turns to the boy and sees that the boy is staring at him with wide eyes.

"We'd die." The boy shakes his head. "And I don't want to die." He looks terrified, fearful, and Siwon thinks of all the terrible things that he might have done.

"Why?" Siwon is curious now, because he's never been so scared of dying. He'll go to heaven, and heaven is supposed to be much, much more glorious than earth.

"Because I don't know where I'll go. It's just scary, you know?" The boy shakes his head and shivers, turning away and pointedly avoiding his gaze. "I don't want to talk about it."

"But--" Siwon stops and hesitates and stares at his friend. "You'll just go to heaven, right?"

The boy shakes his head and gives Siwon a frown. "I don't believe in heaven, Siwon."

The next day, when he enters the classroom, Siwon sees the boy smiling and waving at him, offering him the seat next to him. Siwon smiles back wanly but pretends to not have noticed the gesturing hands. He thinks of the boy not going to heaven, but going to hell, and knowing that he doesn't deserve it but there's nothing he can do about it. A chill runs up Siwon's spine, and he tells himself that he's not friends with the boy, because he'll only allow one to be a friend if he will go to heaven with him.

So he doesn't get close to non-Christians, he does his best to avoid them, even if they seem friendly and even if Siwon can see a potential relationship building between them. Because Siwon doesn't want to deal with the pain of knowing that it won't last.

And then it all comes crashing down.

He's just moving into his new dorm in the college--his old one had been infested by  _spiders_ , out of all things (the Chinese transfer student down the hall had shrieked, and Siwon had thought at first that he was a girl)--when he bumps into someone in the hallway. "Sorry," he mumbles between his teeth as he lugs his suitcase along. Walking backward hadn't been a good idea.

"Watch where you're going," says a snide voice behind him.

Siwon decides at that moment he's going to turn around and see who this is and perhaps tell him off (in the kindest way Siwon could tell him off), and so he does. But instead of seeing a man like he'd expected the owner of the voice to be, instead he sees a very, very pretty... well, something.

"Geez, are you going to move the fuck outta the way or what?" The thing stares at him, snapping the toothpick in his mouth. Siwon notices suddenly that he's biting on it.

"Sorry," Siwon mutters again, and then does a point to add a, "Geez." Not too loud, but audible for the thing to hear. He sees that its eyes narrow slightly, and Siwon considers for a moment that it's actually a man.

"Heechul, what are you doing?" calls a voice down the hall. (Siwon knows it's no point of him to pay attention, but he does anyways, as his eyes lift up slightly and he sees a man with long-legs walking towards them.)

The thing behind--in front of, rather--Siwon, rolls its eyes and gives the person behind Siwon a smirk, with a glimmer in its eye. "Hey, don't blame me. It's this asshole's fault right here."

Siwon decides that this Heechul character is a man, especially when the other behind him manages to come around him swiftly and smack Heechul roughly on the shoulder. Heechul winces, but the other man doesn't seem to care much at all (despite Heechul's rather effeminate stance.)

"Don't be rude," he scolds him. Then he turns around to Siwon. "Sorry," he apologizes to him. "Heechul can be a jerk sometimes."

Siwon is taken by this second man's more masculinity, in comparison with Heechul's rather lack of masculinity, and shakes himself in a daze he'd been captured in. "It's all right," he replies. "I tend to like jerks."

Heechul seems rather flattered at this statement, but the other man just snorts. "Not Heechul. You'd be crazy if you liked him."

"Then you must be  _psychotic_ , baby," Heechul says teasingly. Siwon's enraptured by his boyish prettiness, and by the way he bats his eyelashes and looks like a girl. Or, at least, his face--because when Siwon looks down, he sees suddenly that Heechul's body is anything but a girl's.

The man ignores Heechul. "I'm Hankyung," he says to Siwon, sticking his hand out and smiling slightly at him.

"Siwon." He nods.

"Are you a freshman? I haven't seen you around here before," Hankyung says, tilting his head to the side and observing Siwon a little bit.

Siwon lets out a little chuckle and shakes his head. "No, my old room was just infested by... spiders." He looks to Heechul, whose eyes are also scanning him over.

"You're hot," Heechul says bluntly, suddenly.

Siwon blushes ten shades of red and Hankyung whips around. "Heechul!" he says indignantly, smacking him on the shoulder (Siwon later realizes that Hankyung had done this not because of secondhand embarrassment or anger, but because of hidden agreement and mild jealousy). Heechul just smirks and nods in Siwon's direction.

"What?" he says, eyes twinkling with mischief. "You know you agree, Hannie."

Hankyung still looks murderous, but doesn't say anything.

This evening, Hankyung appears on Siwon's doorstep of his new apartment, in spirits of coming to ask him if he wants to go out for dinner with him and Heechul that night. (After getting his room number, of course--but Siwon hadn't hesitated to give it to him. How could he resist those black eyes and perfect nose and shimmering gaze-- _God, forgive me for all my sins_ . Siwon recites this mantra inside his head and keeps reciting until all thoughts of Hankyung and Heechul are out.) Heechul's with him, as well, Siwon sees when he runs over at the calling of his roommate's voice.

"These two weirdoes are looking for you," Sungmin tells Siwon, eyeing him carefully as he starts to move out of the doorway. Siwon raises his eyebrows, but then sees Hankyung and Heechul in full view and a grin suddenly makes its way on his face, as Heechul is protesting, "Hey, I'm not weird!"

"Hi," he says--how should he address them?--glancing back and forth between them. "What's up?"

"We want to--" Hankyung cuts off suddenly when Heechul nudges his shoulder, and turns around to glare at him. Heechul blinks at him innocently. Hankyung exhales exasperatedly and turns back around to Siwon.

" _I_  want to invite you to dinner with us tonight." He shifts from foot to foot, and Siwon realizes suddenly that he's nervous (and why is he so endearing?)

"Sure," Siwon responds, bewildered.

Hankyung smiles and Heechul jumps up and down, whooping. "It was my idea," he says to Siwon (and Siwon briefly wonders if Heechul wants to hang out with him just because he's "hot." Nonetheless, he doesn't mind at all.) Hankyung rolls his eyes again, but Siwon grins harder.

"I'll never understand your friends," says a voice suddenly, and Siwon turns around to see Sungmin eyeing them from his bed. He wants to say something about Hankyung and Heechul not being his friends--he did, after all, just meet them today--but something tells him not to, and so he just shrugs and laughs at Heechul.

The dinner goes better than expected--better than Siwon had expected, at least. He had prepared himself for a night of getting-together-and-meeting craziness, and finding out things about each other that might turn him off from their being friends (aim low, avoid disappointment); he'd prepared himself for Heechul being a diva and throwing a bitch fit in the middle of the restaurant, and Hankyung losing his cool and blowing up at him, and Siwon having to be the peacemaker. Instead, he finds himself staring as Hankyung stretches out his hand and graciously offers to pay for the meal, while Heechul is busy gnawing at some chicken on the side.

Siwon discovers many things about Hankyung and Heechul this night, even though it's only their first--he finds that even though Hankyung's Korean seems to be remarkably good, that he's actually Chinese. He finds that Hankyung and Heechul have some sort of bond that he's not supposed to understand, even though he feels like he does, that he wants to. He finds that Heechul lives in a fairy tale, and is a dreamer of sorts, and tells him of fantasies and things he imagines are real (Siwon almost falls into them and has to remind himself that it is not reality.) He finds that Hankyung and Heechul have already buried a small place in his heart for themselves when he hasn't even welcomed them in at all.

Still, the nagging question in the back of his mind lingers, and even though Siwon tries to push it away, it is still there.

Hankyung brings him on more and more dinners, and eventually lunches and breakfasts too (Heechul denies that he's invited Siwon with them at all, though it seems quite evident that he wants him there with him). Siwon knows that this is a strange friendship they've formed, but he wants to stay in it. He feels like he can talk to Hankyung and Heechul forever, he can be with Hankyung and Heechul forever, because there's just something, something about the way the chemistry works between them that fuels all the little bubbles inside of his stomach.

Siwon and Hankyung have more of an understanding, brotherhood type of relationship. Siwon figures this at one lunch when Heechul settles in across from them at the table as he's rolling his eyes and muttering under his breath, "Stupid fucking lunch ladies." Siwon is eyeing him carefully, while Hankyung is making a point to ignore him.

"What a baby," Hankyung tells Siwon in Mandarin, not even bothering to duck his head down and whisper in his ear like he always does when there's something that he wants to tell him and not Heechul (however seldom these circumstances occur.) Siwon snorts. Heechul looks between them.

"Hey, I said no more Chinese!" he says to the both of them. "It's not fair, you know, that Siwonnie understands Chinese and  _I_  don't! This doesn't mean that you can just go off and take advantage of this fact, and say mean stuff about me behind my back--"

"He said that you look like you lost weight, hyung," Siwon interrupts, eyeing him above his pork and rice.

Heechul stops suddenly and glances over to Hankyung, not sure if he should believe Siwon or not. But then he decides to, because how can you  _not_  trust anything that Siwon says? So Heechul brings himself a little higher above them and grins and says, "I have, haven't I?" He puts his hands on his hips and Siwon giggles into his rice, unnoticed.

Hankyung sends him a look, but it's equally amused. There's something there, something that they understand, and Siwon knows that he likes it. He may even love it.

Heechul is a different story. Siwon knows this. He's known this since he's met him, of course. Heechul, all with his flowery hair and girlish features and impeccable handsomeness--it's all a part of who he is. Siwon knows that Heechul is beautiful, in some manner, for the way he speaks and behaves and reacts to everything is all so witty, so snarky, so  _Heechul_ .

After telling Sungmin to, "Get better pants with that shirt," as he enters their dorm (Sungmin just glowers at him and leaves the room), he approaches Siwon, who seems quite busy on his laptop. "What are you up to?" Heechul asks him. His smile is wide and not fake--all perfect, all open, all Heechul. It makes Siwon want to open his mouth and drop his jaw just because of who he is.

"Nothing," Siwon tells him truthfully, because this is how they are. They never speak of anything too significant, because when Siwon's with Heechul, nothing too significant enters his mind. It's just him and Heechul, in their own little world, and Siwon is okay with this. He's okay with all of this.

"Where's Hankyung?" Siwon asks suddenly, just because Hankyung's the only thing they manage to hold a conversation about. His fingers play with the mouse in his hand, but he's faintly aware of Heechul next to him, so close to him, breathing by his ear and watching every move he makes.

"Oh, hanging out with some friends of his. Henry and Donghae, I think." Heechul sighs and rolls his eyes, as Siwon can see from the corner of his own eyes. Heechul brings his own hands up and plays with the hem of Siwon's shirt. Siwon's used to this, used to the type of skinship that Heechul likes to play--but somehow, Siwon's figured that it's never been a game.

"Ah." Siwon likes being alone with Heechul, because there's something peaceful about it. There's something peaceful about the way they can sit here saying nothing, doing absolutely nothing and feeling completely settled. There's something about the silence that they create together, the silence that they share.

"Can you open this for me?" Hankyung asks as he and Heechul are busy trying to cook something from the stove. Siwon glimpses into the oven to see if the cookies are ready yet--they aren't, obviously, but Siwon likes checking anyways.

Heechul gives Hankyung a look. "Pussy," he tells him, but moves over to him to pop the cork out of the bottle anyways. Hankyung pointedly ignores Heechul, however, and instead turns to Siwon.

"You wouldn't mind if we put wine in the chicken, would you?" Hankyung's eyes are smiling at Siwon that Siwon can't help but smile back.

"Of course not," he replies, gaze dancing on Hankyung perhaps a little longer than he should.

"Good." Hankyung drips some of the alcohol into the frying pan, before turning to Siwon again. "Are the cookies done?"

"Not yet," Siwon says, shaking his head. He taps on the glass. "It's going to be a while."

"Ah, well. We can wait." Hankyung shoots Siwon one last smile, before turning to face Heechul and catching him trying to taste some of the fried rice he's cooking on the side. "Don't touch that!" he snaps, whacking his wrist.

Heechul pouts and looks up at him. "But Hannie," he whines.

"No." Hankyung shakes his head and puts the lid on the pan. "You have to wait until it's done. Before that, you can help Siwon with the drinks. We need to make this New Year's party as perfect as possible."

"Fine," Heechul grumbles. He walks over towards Siwon, while muttering traitorous things to Hankyung at his back. Hankyung just busies himself with cooking.

Siwon looks around to the both of them, and finds that he doesn't mind waiting. He has all the time in the world.

"What should I call you guys?" Siwon asks them later that evening, when Hankyung is sitting on the couch in the middle of a conversation with Kyuhyun (although Kyuhyun seems rather busy with Joo Myuk at the moment) and Heechul is busy drinking out of a beer bottle. Both of them turn to him at the sound of his voice, because they know he's referring to them.

"Hyung, of course," Heechul says with a snort, taking another sip.

Siwon nods, though he isn't quite sure if such a respectable term as  _hyung_  would fit the close relationship they happen to have together.

Hankyung rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "You're our dongsaeng, Siwon," he says, "but you feel anything but that. Call us by our names, if you want." And he sends Siwon a smile that makes something flutter in the middle of his chest.

Siwon nods again, and smiles. He's okay with this. But then again, he's okay with anything that involves Hankyung and Heechul.

He finally understands one night when he knocks on Hankyung and Heechul's room door--he knows he doesn't have to; "You practically live here, anyways," Hankyung had told them after a week of their friendship, and even Sungmin would get surprised whenever he saw Siwon in their room during the day--and there's no response. At first, Siwon thinks that they're not there (though where would they go without him?), when he suddenly hears noises coming from inside the room.

"Hankyung..."

It's Heechul's voice, Siwon notices. But why does he sound like that? Siwon fumbles with the doorknob, and realizes that it's loose. He starts to let himself in.

"Shit," says Hankyung's voice suddenly, and even though it's not the first time Siwon's heard him curse, it still sends a shiver down his bone. "Fuck, Heechul, I think someone's coming in, and you left the door open  _again_ \--"

"It's not my fault!" Heechul is saying as Siwon's fingers fly for the light switch that he knows so well. The room floods with light, and Siwon can see what's going on.

In the bed are two of his closest friends, snuggled together with sweat clinging to their skin. Heechul's shirtless, with the covers covering the lower half of his body. Sitting on the floor is Hankyung, still slightly clothed but looking breathless and exhausted. His mouth is coated with an unidentifiable liquid.

Siwon blinks once, twice. "What are you guys doing?" he asks them. He's not sure if he should be horrified or stunned or amazed, or should have the tingling feeling down in his nether regions as he gapes. Hankyung looks awfully guilty, like a child caught in wrongdoing, but Heechul just looks amused. In fact, Siwon thinks that he might even look happy.

"Fucking," he says bluntly, and it all becomes clear to Siwon. "Wanna join?" 

The wink in his eyes encourages that he's teasing, but there's a part of Siwon that feels like he's not teasing. Especially, when he looks to Hankyung and notices a hopeful glimmer in his eyes. He doesn't know--he's never experienced this sort of thing before (romance, sex, any of it, it's all completely new to him)--and he doesn't know what to say, though there's something about the way Heechul says, "Mm, I bet you'd look great with your shirt off, and all hot and bothered in bed," that makes his cock tingle again.

He's barely managed a nod and his throat is dry and his heart is thumping rapidly against his chest--but it's barely when his chin goes downward when Hankyung rushes over to him and pulls the both of them onto the bed, falling on top of Heechul and his giggles.

When Siwon stumbles back into his dorm at two in the morning, Sungmin is already asleep. As Siwon clambers into his bed, he finds that he can't sleep, and instead stares at his ceiling, murmuring prayers under his breath.

_Please, God, forgive me for all my sins, forgive me for everything I've done tonight..._

The next morning, Siwon wakes up to the sound of a loud rapping at his door. He moves around his bed and manages to bring himself to walk towards it, before swinging it wide open. There, standing and looking as happy as clams, are Hankyung and Heechul. They're not hand-in-hand, but something about them says that they'd want to be, or at least, should be.

"Hey Siwonnie," Heechul says easily as he makes his way into the room, swinging an arm around his shoulder. "Have a nice night?" He winks, and Siwon resists the urge to slam his body against the door. He's not quite sure if it's out of anger, or of the pure lust that's radiating from him when he sees those dark eyes and remembers them last night, the eyes that had been fixated on him while he came.

Hankyung just sighs. "Don't tease him about it too soon, Heechul. It was probably his first time. Right?"

He turns to Siwon at this, and Siwon forces a smile to his face and shifts his head. "Right," he says, and acts like he's okay with it. He wants to be, too.

But there's something in his head that tells him,  _You're not all right with it, you're not all right with it at all. You're a sinner, and you don't regret any of it._

"God, forgive me for everything I've done, or at least send me a sign that everything's okay," Siwon pleads that night when Sungmin is asleep and the day has fallen and the sky outside is twinkling with stars and the moonlight, mocking him.

There's no response. Siwon doesn't expect one, anyways.

Siwon's tongue is sliding down Hankyung's chest while his hand is gripping onto the side of his torso, as if holding on for dear life. Down below them, he can sense Heechul's hands parting his thighs, and groans when Heechul's palm grips around his erection.

"I can see you're having fun," Heechul chuckles as he brings his head up to meet their gazes together. Siwon grins at him and his smile stretches when Hankyung moans his name beneath him, warm bare body pressing against his own.

"As much as one can," is Siwon's reply, and his knees buckle when Heechul's mouth brings itself around the wetness of Siwon's pants.

He doesn't know what this is. He doesn't know if this is a relationship or a friendship-with-benefits type of thing--but suddenly Siwon finds himself not only emotionally attracted to these two friends of his, but physically attracted as well. He finds himself admiring the way Hankyung's legs are long and smooth (especially when he's underneath him), and the way Heechul's ass pokes out when he's walking, when he's running, when he's strutting around in that Heechul-way of his. Siwon catches himself staring at that ass for the umpteenth time while the three of them are walking around the park one day.

"Why are you always busy on Sundays?" Heechul's complaining while Hankyung and Siwon are busy trying to figure out if there's some way they can attract the pigeons to them. Heechul doesn't care about this, of course. He wouldn't.

Siwon turns to Heechul. He can tell that Heechul would be glowering if he were looking at him; only, Heechul's too busy looking at his reflection in the river below the bridge they're standing on. "Church," he says, and realizes that it's the first time he's brought up God around them.

Heechul snorts. "Oh, you're one of  _them_ ," he says to him. "One of those religious types. Oh. Oh. I see." 

"Ignore him." Hankyung waves his hand towards his direction and turns to Siwon. "He's just being a sarcastic ass, as usual. It doesn't really matter to us. Well, it shouldn't."

He looks pointedly to Heechul, and Heechul must have sensed this because he turns to look at him and just shakes his head at Hankyung. "Of course, of course! We don't care at all." His tone isn't very convincing, but when he catches the expression on Siwon's face, he turns sincere. "Really," he adds to him.

"Do you guys go to church?" Siwon asks them suddenly, curiously, and wondering why he hadn't asked them this first. It's the first thing he asks anyone he meets (or anything along the lines of religion at all), before forming any sort of relationship with them.

Hankyung shakes his head and chuckles slightly. "No, not really. I don't believe in God, you know? I just don't believe there's a higher being out there telling us what and what not to do." He shrugs and pats Siwon on the back. "But it's okay if you do."

Siwon's head is spinning. "What about Heechul?" he asks.

"I believe in the flying spaghetti monster!" Heechul says with a laugh as he dances across the bridge, and Siwon can feel the embers of hell licking at his skin.

But really, it doesn't matter, right? It's not supposed to matter. It's never mattered, even though Siwon knows it's mattered since he was born. But Hankyung and Heechul are his mates, his friends, his--his significant companions.  _It's not supposed to matter, right?_

And yet, Siwon finds himself tossing and turning on night's end, like pebbles drifting in the water, out to sea. Siwon can feel Satan's icy grasp around him already, he can feel God's voice taunting in his ear, he can hear the mantra that he doesn't want to believe, that he doesn't want to know at all.

_They're going to hell, they're going to hell, and there's nothing you can do..._

"Siwon."

Siwon jerks his head up suddenly, to see that Heechul is moaning in their tangle of limbs. Somewhere behind him, Hankyung is gripping his ass and Siwon's flinching at the touch of the ice cold fingers.

"Siwon."

Heechul's lips part slightly and he flicks his tongue upward, in need and want, and this makes Siwon's cock tingle in Hankyung's hand. He can feel Hankyung chuckle behind him as his left fingers work around his erection, while his right hand is still gripping firmly on his buttcheeks.

"Siwon."

His words sound like the blazes raging in bottomless pits, and Hankyung's hot breath feels like fires refusing to be put out.

_Forgive me Father, for I have sinned... forgive me for everything I've done..._

"Where do you think you'll end up after you die?" 

Heechul's fingers play with the hacky sack in his hand. He looks to Siwon curiously, waiting for an answer. Siwon opens his mouth, but he's not quite sure how to speak.

"Heaven," is his immediate answer, because it's all he knows. Because it's all he ever knows.

Heechul laughs; Siwon is stunned for a moment. "Oh right, I forgot. You believe in God and  _Jesus_  and all that stuff." He laughs again and tosses the hacky sack in the air. "But really, is that what you believe?"

"What do you believe?" Siwon asks him, accusingly, wonderingly.

"I believe." Heechul catches the hacky sack for a moment, and looks up, thinking. "I don't know. I don't believe we'll go anywhere. I believe we'll just be, you know? Go into nothing. Or maybe we'll reincarnate as different people. Wouldn't that be cool?" He looks to Siwon, eyes shining.

Siwon shakes his head and his mouth snaps open. "But you're not going to go nowhere. You're not going to reincarnate. You either go to heaven or hell. Either one."

"I guess I'm going to hell, then," Heechul laughs. He doesn't catch the horrified expression that flashes across Siwon's face.

"I'm done."

Siwon looks at Hankyung. He feels sorry, guilty, with something heavy weighing in his heart--but he knows that he has to do this, it's the only thing he can do. He tells himself he doesn't care when he sees the hurt look in Hankyung's eyes.

"Why?" he asks, because he knows what he's talking about. He knows that Siwon is leaving, that he's "breaking up"--but Siwon tells himself that they've always been broken, because they're not the same. They're not going to be the same.

"I just." Siwon shakes his head and gazes at Hankyung. "I can't. I just can't. I can't live with this, with the two of you, here, just being friends, not friends-- _anything_ . I can't."  _I can't live with knowing that I love you. I can't live with knowing that I won't be with you, in heaven._

"But." Hankyung stretches his hand out. His eyes are pleading, wanting. "We want you, Siwon. We need you." His tone is soothing, welcoming, and Siwon wants to fall into his voice.

Siwon just shakes his head and turns away, murmuring words under his breath. "I can't."

Heechul comes up to him shortly after this, and it's not like Siwon hadn't been expecting it. It's not like Siwon hadn't been expecting it when a hand slams down on his book in the library one day and all of a sudden, Heechul's face is in front of him, with fires fiercely raging in his eyes as he looks at Siwon.

"Why the fuck are you doing this?" he demands, voice loud enough to carry to the other side of the library. "What are you thinking, leaving me and Hannie like this? Do you know how Hankyung's been ever since you stepped out of our lives? Do you know how  _I've_  been?"

It'd been easy, Siwon remembers, stepping out of their lives. All he has to do is not go to meals at the times he always does, and take different routes in the hallways so he avoids them. It'd been easy to never see them again.

Siwon replies a small, "No," under his breath, and makes to return to reading--only, Heechul slams his palm even harder against his book, banging it against the table.

"How could you," he hisses, " _do_  this to us? This isn't right, you know! This isn't how it's supposed to be! The three of us, we should be together, you can't just get up and leave for no reason  _whatso-fucking-ever_ \--"

"Because," Siwon interrupts suddenly, his voice coming out clearer than he had expected. "It's because you guys are going to hell. And I'm not. That's why." He looks defiant, but he can feel himself breaking into a million pieces on the inside.

Heechul pulls back and stares at him, with a look of indifference. His face has suddenly changed, into one of rage, of fury. "How could you," he sneers, "How could you." 

He shoves past Siwon and out of the library, out of everything Siwon has ever known. Siwon can feel his insides break and crumble into ashes and dust.

_Am I good enough for you, Father? Am I good enough for you, now?_

It's the pain of knowing what he needs and what he wants, Siwon realizes as he tries to avoid Heechul's smoldering gaze in the hall. Hankyung doesn't even bother looking at him; he's off somewhere else, in his own Hankyung-land, but Siwon knows that the land is probably filled with happiness and Heechul and himself and Siwon and--

Siwon stops himself from thinking any further. He wants to curl up and die.

Instead, he keeps talking to Donghae like he had been earlier, though his voice falters a little bit. Donghae waves his hand and snaps him out of his gaze.

"Siwon? You okay there?" he asks him, jerking his head in a slight, worried nod.

Siwon blinks and turns back to Donghae. A smile forces its way onto his face.

"I'm fine," he lies through his teeth, and wishes that his heart would come back to him.

"You're an asshole," is all Hankyung mutters to him when they brush shoulders in the hall again. (Siwon can't seem to figure it out, but for some reason they can't stop running into each other.  _They can't stop running into each other--_  Siwon just wants all of this to end now.)

He tries to ignore Hankyung's words and pretends he doesn't care. But his mind is filled with Hankyung and Heechul and Heechul's hand in between his legs and Hankyung's hands wanting for sex as they'd slipped between the fabric of his shirt, running over his skin and the smooth undertone of his chest--

Siwon shudders, and reminds himself that  _they're going to hell._  There's nothing he can do about it, there's nothing he could ever do about it.

He can't stand to see Heechul in the hallways, because sometimes he looks pissed and other times he looks sad, and it's the indecisiveness between these two emotions that breaks Siwon's heart (though not as much as knowing that he can't be with them.) He sees a frown on Heechul's face one day; the next day, a sneer; and on, and on, and on, and Siwon wants to feel like he doesn't care, he doesn't care about them, he's  _never_  cared about them.

_Father God, please lead me away from these sinners, bring me closer to you. You know I want nothing but you, I want nothing but to see you, to be with you. God, help me, please..._

He cannot get away from the jeering looks, he cannot get away from the eyes that are telling him that,  _you fucked up, man. You fucked up big time_  even when they don't even know what he's talking about. He knows he never should have talked to them, never should have known them, never should have said,  _Yes_ ; so he could be spared the pain of shattering hearts that are not his own. It's his own fault for playing with the demons. And every moment that passes that reminds him that he's  _perfect_ , he throws it away because he knows he's broken, just like everyone else.

So he does his best to push them away, to rid of them in his mind, because he does not want to join them in hell.

And yet, they continue to haunt him. Hankyung and Heechul enter his dreams, waving around, floating about, taunting him, telling him that he needs them, he wants them. Them and their perfect bodies, their perfect eyes, their perfect souls.

 _We're all you want, Siwon,_  Heechul murmurs to him, icy cold fingers traveling along his face.  _We're all you've ever wanted._

 _We love you, Siwon._  Hankyung's black eyes are honest,  _And you love us._

"But-But, I don't, I can't! You are male, and I am male, and it's against God's word, and-and you're going to hell because you don't believe in God, and--" Siwon protests, but his shouts are drowned out by Hankyung and Heechul's voices, forever clouding him with their love.

_We love you, Siwon... we love you..._

Footsteps stumble in the hallway. Hankyung turns around from heading towards his dorm to see Siwon coming towards him, slightly off-balance, with heavy eyelids and a weary gaze. He doesn't say or do anything, until Siwon suddenly meets their eyes together.

"Hyung," he gasps out, and Hankyung runs over to him and catches Siwon before he can fall to the floor.

"Siwon... Siwon!" He slaps the side of his head to make sure that the other man is okay. Siwon pants again and looks up to Hankyung. Hankyung feels fear overcome his body as he looks into his black eyes. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I... I'm fine." Siwon bends his head down and presses his face to Hankyung's knee; Hankyung feels something wet touch his thigh and realizes suddenly that Siwon's crying. "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry..." He blubbers onto Hankyung's clothes, and a part of Hankyung's heart breaks.

"It's okay, Siwon," he murmurs to him as he runs a hand down his back, and regrets everything he's said to him recently. "It's okay. I forgive you." And he knows he does, because he feels like crying too.

"H-Hyung..." 

Siwon lolls his head around in Hankyung's lap, and Hankyung whispers to him, "Just call me Hankyung." He continues holding Siwon, and wonders if Siwon will be okay. But then he reminds himself that as long as he and Heechul are here, Siwon is okay.

"Will Heechul forgive me too?" Siwon looks up to him, eyes wide and earnest, and Hankyung see just a little bit of that imperfection sneak in there.

"It'll take him some time," Hankyung answers truthfully, "but I'm sure he will."

Siwon nods, and he continues soaking Hankyung's leg with his tears.

The three bodies lay in bed in ecstasy, with the aftereffects of love and sex surrounding them. Heechul sighs and nuzzles his head into Siwon's shoulder affectionately, while Hankyung turns his head to the side. His eyes meet with Siwon's in the dark, with the love and understanding they've always shared. 

With a satisfied sigh, Hankyung turns back around and starts to fall asleep. His hand rests on Siwon's arm. Siwon feels Heechul's legs sliding along his own, clinging to him as if they'll stay like this forever. The night is silent, and all is peaceful in the world once more.

Siwon breathes with the weight of silvers, knowing that when it all falls apart again, he'll be in heaven, alone.


End file.
